This is sage advice for Microsoft Windows patches, Virus scans, updating a firewall, etc. However, I believe I haven't fully explained how dire the situation is. My ISP is CompuServe, and I connect through Dial Up via an aging Gateway Desktop which uses Windows XP.

Are you still in the chair, or are you ROTFL or standing up pointing at the screen and yelling?

I would find it hard to believe Michelangelo could've painted the Sistine Chapel using crayons. Plus, I am definitely NOT Michelangelo.

The simplest of Windows patches can last for 50 minutes. While using Trend Micro's virus scan Friday night (during the Stargates), I had three joyful hours. Downloading the latest and greatest flash, which I'll never use and will most likely cause some unforeseen headache to occur? I have enough problems.